When Your Avoidant Ex Realizes Their Mistake and Starts to Regret the Breakup

Avoidance is often described in a way that makes it seem like these people feel nothing; as if they can turn off their emotions, never think about you again and move on without a single ounce of regret. But after being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for years and going through multiple breakups with him, I know that’s not true. Avoidants are good at compartmentalizing their feelings and situations. Yes, they can put everything into boxes and lock them away. But unless you’re a psychopath, every emotion you suppress eventually finds a way to resurface. Sometimes it happens through a memory, or a moment that unexpectedly brings something back.
My avoidant ex for example, struggled deeply with being away from his kids. He hid every reminder of them until one day, he saw a boy in a restaurant who looked exactly like his son. My avoidant ex had to leave the table to cry in the bathroom. That’s what avoidance looks like: it’s not the absence of emotion, but the constant attempt to escape it.

How avoidants pull away long before the breakup
What I’ve noticed when a dismissive avoidant ends a relationship is that it always feels abrupt to you, like it came out of nowhere. But for them, the idea has been sitting in their mind for a while. By the time they tell you it’s over, they’ve already started detaching emotionally. They’re in what’s often called the “deactivation phase,” where they unconsciously create distance as a way to protect themselves. It’s not a conscious decision where they think: “You know what, it’s time to start distancing myself from my partner.” But it’s a defense mechanism that isn’t always triggered by something that happened between you two. Sometimes it’s something entirely personal or circumstantial. It might happen when the relationship starts feeling serious, when you get closer or when an important milestone is approaching like a birthday, moving in together or a trip. That’s when their fear of emotional closeness kicks in and suddenly their feelings seem to change.

With my avoidant ex, this looked like him constantly finding new reasons why we wouldn’t work. He genuinely believed these were valid problems, while anyone else could see they were small things that could easily be talked through. But for him, each one became a dealbreaker. He seemed to be able to come up with a different issue every now and then.

What happens when you stop being available to an avoidant
While this might all be true it’s also important to remember that no two people are the same, and that includes those with an avoidant attachment style. I will tell you what I noticed with my own dismissive avoidant ex is and that it wasn’t always the same pattern. There were times when he ended the relationship and, after a period of silence from my side, something seemed to shift in him. When we eventually spoke again, he would tell me he didn’t understand why he had acted the way he did. He’d mention things that reminded him of me, like a restaurant that looked like the one we once went to or a song heard on the radio he I had introduced him to.

I believe part of that realization came because I stopped being accessible to him. Every time he ended things, I stepped back completely. Once I was gone, once the “threat (me)” disappeared, it became safe again for him to feel. That’s often when avoidants start regretting the breakup and missing you, though they might never say it directly.

However, I know It’s not easy to choose yourself when your avoidant ex pulls away, especially when you’re left with no closure and a thousand unanswered questions. That’s exactly why I created a guide based on my personal experience and my work as a relationship coach. It’s designed  to help you process what happened and find your way back to yourself. Click here to download the guide.

An avoidant missing you doesn’t mean reaching out
But that was my avoidant. Not every dismissive avoidant will go through the same emotions,  some might not feel regret at all, or at least not in a way that’s visible. It really depends on how deep the connection was. You usually know in your gut whether it ran deep for both of you, or if you were the one who felt more.

Even when an avoidant ex starts missing you or regretting the breakup, it doesn’t automatically mean they’ll reach out. In fact, some avoidants, especially the ones who are more self-aware, might stay away on purpose. They know that getting close again could pull you both back into the same cycle, and this time they might actually want to protect you from that.

The ones who are less aware though, are often the ones who come back. That doesn’t mean they’ve changed and are ready to fully commit to you, it means they’re acting on whatever emotion happens to be strongest in the moment. If they feel the pull, they’ll follow it. If they feel fear or irritation, they’ll pull away again. There’s rarely reflection in between and unfortunately, you’re usually the one who ends up getting hurt in that pattern.

Ask yourself this
That’s why it’s so important to always check the intention behind your avoidant ex coming back. Ask yourself what they’re really offering and whether that aligns with what you need. Because if you don’t, you risk getting stuck in the same cycle over and over again. Some people stay trapped in that loop for years, even a decade or more, holding on to a dismissive avoidant who keeps pulling them in and pushing them away.

You have no idea how much you miss out on when you stay attached to someone who can’t meet you halfway. You could literally walk past the love of your life because you’re still emotionally tied to your avoidant ex - waiting, hoping and analyzing every bit of contact.

If you need help moving on from your avoidant ex, download my guide: This is How You Get Over an Avoidant. Within 30 days you’ll start feeling the difference.